Rehab

Hello fellow Twitards and smutaholics!  It’s that time of the week again ;)

How did you like last week’s fic? 

Here is this week’s rec: Unexpected by Ooohlalaa

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4958898/1/Unexpected

Here is her description: 

In their junior year of college, an unexpected event forces Bella, Rosalie, and Alice to become involved with three people they never normally would have, completely changing their lives around. Fluff/Humor B&E/Canon Couples AH, OOC

My description: 

This Edward is grrrrreat!  He is quirky.  He is ADHD and possibly OCD.  He makes me laugh hard.  And…..he has a pierced peen. Hahahaha!

So, the girls find out some unexpected news and they have to go to “Emmett’s” house which results in them all meeting Em, Ed, and Jas.  All I can say is it is hilarious after this.  I mean freaking funny!! LOL

♦♦♦♦♦Ok, before we go on I need to let off some steam.  Ooohlalaa if you are reading this, I apologize for this, but I have to get it off my chest.  You know I still love you otherwise I wouldn’t have rec’d this fic your second fic I have rec’d, btw

So, our dear Oooh finished a fic this week called Discommode.  It was heartfail in the worst kind of way.  I am talking freaking tragedy heartfail—and yes, if I had paid attention, it is listed as a tragedy, but I don’t usually look at those little tags.  So, yeah, don’t read that fic guys unless you want to have a really bad day.  Anyway, back to the rec, and ILY Oooh, and I will end up forgiving you eventually.  ;)                                                                  ♦♦♦♦♦

This week’s teaser:  *sorry it is so long, but I couldn’t stop it in the middle…it’s too freaking funny

OK, to set it up:  Rosalie is pregnant with Emmett’s baby after a 1-night hook-up.  They all decide to go to parenting classes together.  Edward is enjoying this way too much, lol.  (Jake is a tiny Chihuahua that was given to Emmett to help him learn to take care of something, but Edward has totally adopted the thing and dresses it up and stuff)

“Okay. First we’re going to start by going around the room and introducing ourselves. Tell us what you do, how far along you are, what your situation is, why you’re taking this class, for example. Umm, why don’t you start?”

The instructor pointed across the room at some young couple that was clearly stable, unlike the four of us. I could see Rosalie’s embarrassment building up as each couple went and explained their dreadfully normal situations. All new parents, all married or engaged, all excited and happy. Rosalie was none of those except a new parent.

“When do we get the babies?” Edward whispered in my ear. We’d been there for like 10 minutes and his ADD was already coming out in full effect. I had no doubts anymore that he had it.

I waited impatiently for it to be Rosalie & Emmett’s turned because I knew it would be epic. I stared, amused, as the couple before them finished and Rosalie sighed.

“Umm, hi, I’m Rosalie Hale. I’m 21 and in college. Um… I’m 11 weeks along. This is the father, Emmett. Also 21 and in college. We’re not together. At all. The baby is a result of a one night stand. Emmett and his brother Edward over here are adopted, so we decided to either keep it or give it up for adoption. Still not sure. And I’m taking the class because I know nothing whatsoever about babies and I’m afraid that if I keep it, I may hurt it.”

I held my hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh. Everyone in the class looked at me and Edward kind of shoved me and gave me a look.

“Nice to meet you, Rosalie. Interesting situation. I think you‘ll feel much more comfortable when we‘re done… and last but not least?”

The lady pointed at me and Edward. Instead of letting me talk, Edward took the mic.

“I’m Edward. I’m the uncle… Emmett’s my brother. This is Bella… we’re also both 21 & in college and we’re not having a baby. Not yet at least.” I snorted. “She’s Rose’s best friend and they live together and she’s lacking in empathy and baby knowledge. That’s why we’re here.”

The instructor stared at Edward expressionlessly and nodded.

“Um… great. Glad you two are here.”

The first hour of the class was a lecture on labor & delivery. She said we’d go more into detail through the weeks, but for now she was just doing a quick overview. We watched a short birthing video, which was a great experience. I had to keep my eyes shut most of the time, Edward laughed and asked if they served popcorn and made more than one comment about the woman on the video needing to get waxed, and Emmett repeatedly gagged. I also saw Rosalie write down “ask about c-section” in her notes. We got stared at. A lot.

After the video, the woman started distributing the fake babies. Ours was a boy and Rosalie requested a girl. Edward paid zero attention as the woman explained what to do, too occupied with putting his glasses on the baby and trying to make it hold his pen in its hand. I saw massive failure and social services in the near future if Rosalie was to leave her real baby alone with him.

“Whoa, look, it blinks. That’s trippy.” Edward was holding the baby straight out in front of him as we walked to the car.

“I have a night class to go to,” Rosalie said, ignoring Edward and handing Emmett the baby. “Can you take it for now? I’ll pick it up as soon as I’m done.”

“Uh… sure?” Emmett said, grabbing the baby like it was a football, the head upside down. The thing immediately started crying.

“Emmett! You can’t hold it like that.” Rosalie started flipping through the instruction manual to see what to do.

“Just hold it upright and bounce it around a little bit. Haven’t you ever seen someone with a baby before?” Edward looked at the three of us like we were the freaks covered in tattoos and crotch piercings.

Emmett did what he said and eventually the crying died down.

“Bella, maybe you should stay with them,” Rosalie suggested as she got into her BMW. Spend more time with Edward? My arm needed no twisting.

“Okay.” He handed me the baby and I hopped into the back of his Volvo with it on my lap. We didn’t go over ‘carseat safety’ until next week, so for now we had to just hold the babies in the car. Whatever. I laughed as Emmett struggled to put his seatbelt on and hold the baby so it wouldn’t cry. He was screwed. So screwed.

“We should name the baby,” Edward said to me as he drove.

“Sure. What do you want to name it?”

“I can pick?” He asked.

“Yeah, I don’t really care.”

“Okay. Edward Jr.”

Emmett laughed.

“Very creative,” I said, shaking my head. “I expected more from you. Like… Spike or something.”

“You said I could pick.”

“I know.”

“So I pick Edward Jr.”

I gave up trying to reason.

When we got to their house, Emmett passed the baby off to Jasper and laid down on the couch. Edward ran around the house looking for the dog, finally finding him asleep under a pile of clothes in the bathroom. The poor little rodent just sat there half asleep as Edward tugged and yanked at it’s legs trying to put the stupid zebra hoody on it.

“Let’s take Jake for a walk so he doesn’t shit in Jasper’s shoes again.”

I laughed and agreed, taking the leash from him. I shivered as we walked out the door, and I frowned at Edward.

“Maybe you should put on a jacket. It’s windy out.”

“I’m good. I have my hat.”

He pointed at a black beanie on his head, which was going to do absolutely nothing. I was slowly learning it was better to shut up then to try and argue with him, because he was lacking lots of common sense. But he did look hot. That was a plus.

Edward led me to the back of the condo, where there was a walkway along the river. The stupid dog kept stopping every two seconds to sniff at rocks or leaves or other dog poop or something, and I started to get annoyed so I just dragged it behind us.

“You have to be more patient. It’s just an animal, it’s curious. It’s in his nature to be outdoors.” I glared at Edward and handed him the leash, swiping the baby out of his arms.

“Yeah, maybe in Mexico. It’s freezing out here. He just wants to poop and go back inside.”

“He’s not cold. He’s wearing a sweatshirt.”

I rolled my eyes and tried to avoid the passing glances from people staring at me and my blinking robot baby. I could only imagine what people thought. Me walking around with a plastic baby and some dude wearing a t-shirt in November, covered in tattoos and walking a teacup Chihuahua that's wearing a hoody. My life was beyond bizarre.

“Edward, people are looking at this thing. I don’t want to be in public with it.”

“First off, that thing’s name is Edward Jr. And why do you care what other people think? I’m a grown man walking a two pound Chihuahua and you don’t see me getting all embarrassed.”

I was about to come back with a witty insult when all of a sudden the baby started vibrating.

“Holy shit. Edward, what do I do! It’s shaking!”

“Huh. That’s weird. They get cold?”

“I guess so! It’s freaking me out. Take it-” I shoved the baby into his arms and patted it’s back because I remembered the lady saying something about that calming it down. Edward’s eyes were bugging out of his head as he tried to control Jake, who was growling at a German Shepard, and tried not to drop the pulsating baby.

“This makes sense I guess,” he said shoving the dog leash into my chest. “Control the fucking dog!”

“Wow what happened to take things in stride-”

“Our baby is having a seizure! I guess we shouldn’t have brought it out in a t-shirt?”

At this point, I just started hysterically laughing. Edward had opened up the back panel on the baby and was pushing buttons, but the thing was still quivering.

“Edward,” I choked out between my laughs. “We just need to warm it up. Let’s just go back.”

“What if it dies before then?”

“Um… we buy it an Edward Jr. headstone?” He shot me an evil look and shook his head. “Okay, that was cruel. But um, it’s a robot baby. It won’t die.”

“Alright, I have an idea.” He stuck the baby underneath his shirt and popped it’s head out of the collar. I stopped walking and stared at him in disbelief. “So it can breathe, you know?”

“It’s a fucking ROBOT.”

“No it’s not, it’s Edward Jr. and he breathes.”

Holy insanity. I was done. We walked back to the condo to discover that Jasper had left the baby on the sofa, while it wailed away. His car wasn’t outside. Emmett had tactically thrown a blanket over it and he was asleep on the opposite sofa.

I didn’t even bother taking the annoying little squirrel’s leash off, I just dropped it and let him run around the house.

“Move over, Emmett.”

Edward Jr’s seizure ended, but he started crying at the sound of the other one crying, and Edward just sat there on the couch in a panic trying to shut them both up. I stuck a throw pillow over my head and closed my eyes, because I needed a long nap after that whole ordeal.

I woke up to someone shaking me.

“Bella, get up. Where are the babies?”

I groaned and sat up before shrugging at Rosalie. Emmett was still asleep next to me and Edward wasn’t in the room.

“They’re probably with Edward. He thinks this whole thing is fun.”

I led her to the back porch, where Edward had classical music blaring from his room upstairs and was painting. The two babies were wrapped up in blankets, Edward Jr. wearing big Edward’s beanie, sitting in a patio chair.

“You’re the most peculiar person I’ve ever met,” Rosalie said, shaking her head and laughing as she picked up her baby. She took off the blanket to inspect it and make sure Edward didn’t light it on fire or something, and I heard her gasp.

“What?”

“Edward. Did you PIERCE my baby’s ears?!”

Edward dropped his paintbrush and chuckled.

“Yeah. They’re Emmett’s earrings. She’s so much cooler now.”

I was dying. This motherfucker was seriously out of his mind. Rosalie pushed me and shoved the baby into my arms.

“They’re gonna make us pay for messing it up!”

“It’s not that serious. Just look at her. She looks cute.” Edward smirked as I turned the baby towards me.

“She does look cute,” I said.

“Really, I only did it because I couldn’t tell the two of them apart. After I did the piercings I figured out another solution.”

“What? Did you ever think to change their clothes?!” Rosalie shouted.

Edward tapped his finger to his chin and hmmmed.

“Yeah I could’ve. Well, anyway, what I thought of was better. You’ll see, Bella. I’m still gonna do it. Can I keep him overnight?”

I waved my arm at him and started toward the stairs.

“Sure, Edward. I don’t even want to know. Keep it as long as you want.” It’d been four hours and I was already babied out.

“Aren’t you going to say goodnight to Edward Jr.?”

I ignored him.

“Edward Jr?” Rosalie asked, shaking her head. I just shrugged.

I waved goodbye and Rosalie made sure to sneer and growl at Edward one last time to show her displeasure at him tainting her baby as we descended down the stairs.

As always, let me know if you have read it and agree or disagree.  Let me know if you haven’t read it and plan to thanks to my rec or if you read if AFTER I rec’d it and you liked it!

Hint for next week:

Embrace Singer…..also: magic (lol, this is totally just for those of you who know what I am talking about)

Cough Excuse me, can I plz have a moment to self-pimp? Cough

I normally wouldn’t, but I am so excited to be writing and I have the most amazing betas EVER!  It is a quick read, I only have 8 chapters posted so far.

Here is a summary:

Flaming Desire

Rose, Alice, and Bella work in the hospital ER. Edward, Jasper, and
Emmett are firefighters who are brought to the ER one night when the girls are
working. Sparks ignite. But will the flame remain when their love is tested?
AH OOC Canon pairings

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5342194/1/Flaming_Desire

Thank you to those who check it out ;)

Have a fantabulously smutty week!

-RSA