How to use the Userplane Webchat:

 

1.)    Click on the orange link: Sign up

2.)    In the popup window fill in all of your information—everything with a red asterisk is mandatory.  *if you accidentally make yourself male—you cannot fix it!!!!*

3.)    Click Agree & Save

4.)    Next window, click Finish

5.)    The next window will say “Attention!  There was a problem with your photo upload”  Ignore this and click continue

6.)    If the next page has a guy crying (or something) and says there was a problem with cookies, it means you need to try a different screen name.  Go back and start over.  (sorry!)  If it doesn’t say this, click close

7.)    Now, go back to the small Userplane Webchat window on rehab.

8.)    Click on the box that says, “Use My Userplane ID” and then login with your screenname and password!

9.)    The chat opens in a new window.

10.)                        In this new window you can just regularly chat with anyone in the room.  You can change your font colors and italics, bold, underline, etc, by clicking on style beside the chat box.  You can add smileys by simply making a smiley face or winking or sad face or you can click on the smiley button beside the chat box.

11.)                        You can whisper to ppl or IM them.  IM brings opened a NEW box while you are still in chat.  Whisper just shows up in the normal chat window, but only the person you whisper sees it.

             To whisper:  Type <username> message   (username is the person you want to speak to

             To IM:  Click the person’s name on the left side of the screen.  Their little box will come up on the bottom left.  Click IM.  Then type in the new box for that person.  Some ppl have popup blocker on and they can’t IM.  (if you want to turn off popup blocker I will explain that in a minute)

12.)                        There is also the option to open new rooms…in case too many ppl are in one, or if you want to go *ATTEMPT* (ahem) to WC.  You simply click on the room and join if there is one already there.

 

 

In order to turn off your popup blocker for IMs, you copy the address url at the very top of the chat box…it doesn’t look like an address bar, but you can see the url.  Right click it and it will highlight the whole thing.

After you have copied it, go to your popup blocker settings and add that as a web page under exceptions.  Depending on which browser you have and your popup blocker, there are different ways to get to your settings.  I use firefox so I can tell you that one:  Click Tools > options > content.  Click on the top “exceptions” button.  Add the url and click “allow”

Some popup blockers have a little icon right on your browser, you just right click it and go to options.

 

Ok….I think that is all you need to know.  If you have any more questions, type it in the comment box below here so I can answer publically, in case others have the same question! ;)

Sobriquett came up with this great idea to create a community for our writers at fanfiction.net. So now there is one: UAMFC Writers

Ally and Sheree are the staff so if you are a member here and have a story posted on fanfiction.net, send them a message to let them know so they can add you to the community.

And everyone else, don't forget to subscribe :)

Cheers!

And thanks to Sobriquett, Allysue and Sheree (and anyone else that I may have missed).

Slash Backslash One-Shot Contest
Hosted by: Pastiche Pen and AngstGoddess003

Ahem.

The premise for this contest is that PastyP and AngstyG basically, pretty much, kinda-sorta-maybe... want more boy love. More Edward slash peen. More Jasper bent over. More soft Carlisle kisses against scruffy chins. (Pastiche wouldn't mind more pack stuff, either. Angst wouldn't mind more vamp stuff.) You get it. Also a general sweep of our fandom's slash shows that there's like zero vampire boy slash, not much pack slash, and while JasperxEdward seems to be doing okay, well... we quite simply want more.

More more more, om nom nom.

We're greedy that way. Anyhoo, we're specifically being not-picky about this contest--Twilight needs more slash. Period. So, purty plez, be creative, push the envelope. There's no lemon requirement--though we like them (the good ones). Naturally, the two of us like dark, angsty shit with a dose of humor--but we're also looking to blow these pairings. I mean blow the genre WIDE OPEN. Dammit. Still sounds pervy. Fuck. Anyhoo, this time round, we're only doing the boys, and TwiSlash Unveiled is hosting a contest for polyslash right now (so send your 3+ boy love over to them). We'll have public voting and some judges picks. AG will make the winners some nifty banners. And your slash will drooled over by many. Especially... us.

 

 

-Submissions will be accepted from October 15 12:00 AM EDT to November 30 11:59 PM EDT.

-Entries must be between 2,000 - 10,000 words in length. This includes header and the FFn bloat.

-Entries may be vampy, Canon, AU, AH and any genre (e.g., angst, humor, family, suspense).

-Entries must be rated appropriately.

-Any and all Male/Male pairings accepted. Any rating accepted.

-For the love of God, lubrication or disqualification.

-No Rape please. No incest (adoption doesn't count.) No bestiality (Wolves don't count.)

-Collaborations are welcome.

-Please have your shiz beta'd. We encourage any author with need for a beta to check out Project Team Beta.

-Limit of ONE ENTRY per author per character pairing. (eg. You can enter with a Jasper/Edward and a Carlisle/Emmett)

-Entries will be accepted from fanfiction.net (FFn), LiveJournal (LJ), and Twilighted (T’ed). See submission guidelines below.

-Any non-FFn entries will only be linked on this profile for viewing. Consider using LazyJournal to generate any LJ entries.

-Entries must be a new story.

-We're cool with expansion of one-shots after the fact, but please keep in mind that one-shots are judged largely on their ability to exist solely as a one-shot.

 

 

Once your one-shot is posted on either FFn, LJ, or Twilighted, please PM us at the Slash Backslash profile page with the story name, or email the links to slash@tlydf.com. You must use the contest header provided below.

SLASH BACKSLASH ONE-SHOT CONTEST

Story Name:
Pen name:
Pairing:
Disclaimer:
To see other entries in the “SLASH BACKSLASH” contest, please visit the C2: http://www.fanfiction.net/c2/74941/3/0/1/

 

 

-After the submission deadline has passed, there will be two open/public voting rounds featuring all validated entries.

-Voting Round One Begins: December 7th, 2009.

Promotion:

 

We sincerely appreciate any promotion of this contest!

The Banner can be found here.
The 100x100 Avatar/Icon can be found here.

 

Ownership, Apologies, and Being Kicked in the Nuts
Seth/ Edward (wolf/vamp) - Seth is so well-written in this. “Thank you Seth,” says Edward softly, his gaze intense. With the soft pad of his ringfinger he touches Seth’s wrist bone gently. To everyone else it’s a friendly gesture, but to Seth it’s so intimate he feels like he’s drowning. “That means a lot to me."

Your Castles Made of Stone
Jasper/Edward - a bit violent, highly angsty, quite hawt. - “...you know what this is about.” Edward nods, leaning back on the couch, dropping the magazine on the side.

Vignettes
Edward/Carlisle - Canon - "Five incidents in Edward and Carlisle’s relationship spanning from shortly after Edward's change to the end of 'New Moon'." Vague slash, but still... slash.

Eye of the Needle
Edward/Emmett - AU-H - "Edward loses the love of his life - but he still can't hide from cupid." Ends E/B

Knowing and Feeling
Embry/Paul - AU - "A series of drabbles about the difference between something you know if your head and something you know in your heart"

Unsaid
Aro/Carlisle - Canon AU - "How he longed for some new companionship -- a bright new face, to bring some cheer into this repetitive existence." Oh, hush. It's PG-13 and excellent writing can make anything look good.

 

 

Along with some other ladies, we run the The Lazy Yet Discerning Ficster blog. AngstyG recently debuted her first, long angst-shot Great Vexations, and Pastiche writes JasperxEdward one-shots. Eventually she's going to write a multichaptered smtg slash fic. Eventually.

 

 

Can be PM'ed or emailed to slash@tlydf.com.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Okay, I know, it's slash. But really, slash is just as flexible as any other pairing. You can write "T" rated.

Later, I'll post some of the god-awful mistakes I've made when writing slash and we'll have a thread for this where we can all brainstorm and figure shit out.

Because, we should all want to give something back to the Goddess, yes? Think of it as a present--our own personal thanks to her for writing WA.

Guilt much?

We can do this rehabers! Get writing!

---

Questions

---

About Us

---

Some Lesser Known Vamp Slash-shots to Inspire You in the Category:

---

---

Voting

---

Submitting an Entry

---

Rules and Guidelines

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Hello fellow Twitards and smutaholics!  T.G.I.F!!!

 

How did you like last week’s fic? 

 

Here is this week’s rec:  Abbracciare il Cantante (aka Abracadabra) by Bratty-Vamp http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4869575/1/ 

 

Here is Bratty-Vamp’s description:

What if Edward left Forks after his first encounter with Bella, and he never returned? Fate couldn't keep these two apart. But meeting at a later time and place might have changed the nature of their relationship.

 

My description: 

This is such a sweet story.  Edward leaves Forks to keep from killing Bella.  He never forgets her.  One day she interrupts his existence again when he joins her in college.  This time he feels he might be capable of staying and not losing control.  Of course he ends up loving Bella and they start a relationship.  I can’t tell much more or I will give it away.  So, I will just give you a good teaser to pique your interest!

 

This week’s teaser: 

When Bella came by with another tray of bottles and glasses, I finally had a reason to act. The man had imbibed in enough alcohol to make him bold. When Bella passed again, he reached out and grabbed her roughly around the waist- tugging her towards him. I saw the thin material of the back of her shorts bunch under his crude fingers, and I reacted before the bottles on her tray had time to hit the floor.

In an instant, I gripped his hand and whirled her out of his grip. I felt rage seething through me, and I smiled when I pinched one of his fingers between two of my own and felt the thin bone snap under the pressure. The man yelled out and sank to his knees in front of me. I considered breaking another of his filthy fingers. But somewhere through the red haze of anger I became aware that Bella was still standing there, breathing heavily, and watching me. Instead of giving in to the violence my body craved, I leaned forward so that the man could feel my words as well as hear them.

“If you ever put a hand on this woman again, I will remove it from your fucking wrist. Do you understand me?” My hiss was low enough that no one else would have heard my threat. He couldn’t have mistaken the seriousness of the situation he was in.

The man nodded, and I released his hand with disgust. Two bouncers appeared near my shoulder then, and at Bella’s direction, led the man to the door. I tried to compose myself before turning to her. Her eyes were wide as she stared up at me.

“Are you alright?” The episode had left my voice rougher than I would have liked. I was still shaking from suppressing the urge to cause the man more pain.

“I’m fine…. really.” Her heart beat was not back to normal. And her scent was made stronger by the adrenaline coursing through her body. Her chest still heaved under her efforts to control her breathing.

I nodded and gritted my teeth. I needed to get away from her. I needed air. I needed to run. I needed to feed.

“I have to go,” I muttered.

And then, I turned and pushed my way through the crowd as I made my escape.

And another one because I love you so much!! Lol:

I relaxed a little. I didn’t perceive the man as a threat. He was just drunk. His thoughts were blurred by alcohol. But other than thinking Bella was pretty… he wasn’t being crass. In his drunken state, he did stumble forward a little, and Bella stepped backwards on reflex.

Unfortunately for me, her motion placed her very awkwardly between my parted knees. I sat there on that low bar stool, and her delicious bottom in her barely-there shorts was inches away from certain parts of my anatomy that I typical gave very little thought to.

Except right then, my attention was drawn entirely to that part. Because while I wasn’t absolutely sure what was going on, I knew something was different. I was feeling very, very warm again. And suddenly, my jeans were feeling tighter than they had before. It only took a moment to realize what was happening, but my eyebrows shot up incredulously as I turned a panicked look to Alice. She stood, staring at the twisting lights on the dance floor, with a far-off look on her face. She was having a vision.

“Is this guy your date?” Mr. Brown-coat asked.

“Umm…. Yes!” Bella said loudly. And then, she fully turned between my knees and pressed her body up against mine. I was frozen as she lifted her hands and pushed them into the back of my hair. Snuggling close, she purred into my ear. “Sorry Edward. Just… pretend for a second until he goes away. Ok?”

I literally, could not move. Her hot breath was still swimming around my head. Her hands were in my hair. And the confusing situation with my body only made me feel mortified. Bella was almost close enough to be able to figure out just how much her touch was affecting me- in a way that I still couldn’t understand.

The guy in the brown coat turned away just as Alice turned towards us with her hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. I could guess now, what she saw. But when her eyes met the desperation in my own, she got serious fast. I saw her whisper quickly in Jasper’s ear. And then Alice, God love her, reached forward to pull Bella away from me.

“Come on Bella. Let’s dance!” She suggested, leading them both towards the dance floor.

Jasper threw his arm around my shoulder and started pulling me alongside him towards the patio doors. I didn’t even try to resist. I just allowed myself to be herded until we reached the concrete pad behind the bar and the door closed behind us. He spun my shoulders under his hands then until I was facing him.

“Holy shit, Edward. What is going on?”

“I… don’t know,” I admitted.

“You are in a serious state of denial, my friend,” Jasper lectured. “You want her. I mean… you really, really want her.”

“I don’t understand.” I pushed my hands up over my face and into my hair, trying to make sense of the new feelings coursing through me. They were foreign, and more than a little disorienting. “Stay out here with me for a minute,” I suggested. “I can’t go back in there like this.”

“No kidding! You’re pitching a tent!” Jasper was laughing in earnest now, and I could only glance down towards the front of my pants with disgust.

“How is this even possible?” I groaned.

“Well… easy. When a man and woman really, really like each other… they take off all their clothes and…”

“Jasper. Be serious for a minute here!” I sounded frantic, and he must have picked up the mood from me immediately. To his credit, he tried his best to stop laughing.

“Alright,” he put his palms up. “If you weren’t so freaked out about all of this- I swear to God it would be the funniest shit in the world. But I got it. I got it.”

I took deep breaths to calm myself.

“What’s going on with me?” I asked.

“It’s called an erection, Edward.”

I picked up an ashtray from the table beside me, and threw it at him with the speed of a bullet. He easily deflected it with a flick of his wrist, and the small object crashed against the side of the building.

“Ah, ah, ah. Play nice. It’s not the time for us to go at it. We don’t need to buy these people new outdoor furniture,” he scolded.

“I meant,” I growled between my teeth. “Why in the hell is this happening to me now? I didn’t even know it was possible…”

“Whoa. Whoa!…. You mean you never….?” Jasper looked dumbfounded. I just shook my head.

“I have never… been attracted… to anyone like this.”

“How is that possible?” Jasper was clearly amazed. I scowled and began to pace.

“I understand how the process works,” I said through gritted teeth. “I guess I just always thought I was meant to be alone. Like, maybe, it would take some cosmic connection to my perfect mate to… you know…”

“Give you a boner?”

“Nice, Jasper,” I winced.

“Well? Maybe you were right!”

“She’s a human!” I yelled, perhaps a little too loudly. “We both know, that is a physical impossibility!”

“Maybe, maybe not…” Jasper hedged.

“Irrelevant,” I continued speaking loudly. I was angry. “Our relationship isn’t like that.”

“That would pose a problem,” he said thoughtfully.

“What am I supposed to do?” I slumped my shoulders. My traitor body had relaxed, and a sort of despondence was taking over.

“You’ll just have to…take matters into your own hands.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m talking about masturbation. Do I need to draw a diagram?”

“Go to hell!” I snarled. “That isn’t what I meant. And you know it!”

Jasper laughed a little and shrugged. “I’m just trying to lighten the situation, man.”

When I was certain that I was under control, Jasper and I walked back into the bar. We found the girls, just returning to the table.

“I’ve got to get going,” I said. I wasn’t quite able to meet Bella’s eyes. So I picked up the envelope and held it in her direction.

“Well, thanks for bringing this by,” Bella said quietly. I nodded curtly and turned for the door. Jasper elbowed me roughly.

“She looks like someone kicked her puppy,” he hissed.

“Don’t be an ass,” Alice warned. “It’s not her fault that you decided to finally go through puberty!” I glared at her, but then decided to heed their advice. I didn’t want to leave Bella so abruptly, thinking that she had done something wrong. I left them by the door and walked back to where Bella stood.

“Are you going to be ok… getting home?” I asked. She hadn’t heard me approach, and looked up quickly at the sound of my voice.

“Oh yeah. I’m going to change my clothes in the backroom. And then I’ll have one of the guys walk me to my car.”

I looked up to see Jasper and Alice both exit and I sighed.

“I’ll wait for you,” I said. Bella smiled up at me.

“I’ll be right back!”

She changed quickly, and met me by the door. I could see Alice and Jasper in my car as I walked Bella to hers.

“Thanks again, for coming up here tonight,” Bella said by her door.

“It really wasn’t a problem,” I murmured. “See you Tuesday, in class.”

“Want to go to the library, after?” she asked.

“Sounds good.”

I stood and watched her drive away before facing what was waiting for me in my car.

~*~

 

As always, let me know if you have read it and agree or disagree.  Let me know if you haven’t read it and plan to thanks to my rec or if you read if AFTER I rec’d it and you likey!

 

Hint for next week:

The title consists of two words and a number.  The subject of the story is a practice highly frowned upon.

 

Have a fantabulously smutty week!

 

-RSA

 

Ever thought you're a great reviewer and should maybe get some recognition for your efforts?

Sign up for The Review Challenge!

Details link:
http://twilighterawards.webs.com/thereviewchallenge.htm

Good luck, rehabers!

AudioFFProductions needs your help rehabers!  They need banners for the following fics:

 The Light and The Dark by Angstgoddess003
A World Without Sound by The Romanticidal Edwardian
Golden Moon by NusiainForks
A Matter of Time by duskwatcher2153 

The winning banner{s} will be put in the videos as they continue on their recording journey!

Requirements:
 The size should be no smaller than 300 x 297 and no larger than 1024 x 768
the banner needs to represent the fanfic not just a pic of Rob or Taylor with the fanfic's name
it needs to be creative (like taking a scene from a chapter)
Put the author's name
and your own watermake to show its your work {not required}

Deadline:
Banners will be accepted from now until October 27.  Judging will take place from October 28 through the 30 and the winners will be announced on Halloween.

"The Light and The Dark" will have one winner.
 "A World Without Sound", "Golden Moon" and "A Matter of Time " will have a 1st to 3rd place.

Please send all submissions to audioffproductions@yahoo.com 

Can't wait to see you ladies get creative! 

Ladies idk how long this is gunna be up on the nets so WATCH IT NOW!! omg i fucking shiverred and got all teary eyed. And let me say this KSTEW HAS STEPPED IT UP!!! Holy shit man. New Moon is gunna be f*ckawesome. And Rob...OH ROBBB!!!

SEE. IT. NOW!!!!

The Indies First Time Writer Challenge
Sponsored by: The Indie TwiFic Awards
Judges:

• Ahelm
• CarenL
• Gustariana
• Hmonster4
• LaViePastiche
• PastichePen
• PurdueLiz
• SleepyValentina
• SorceressCirce
• Spotzle

Rules and Guidelines

Submissions will be accepted from September 19 12:00 AM EDT to October 27 11:59 PM EDT (based on time stamp of submission via http://www.theindietwificawards.com). 

The theme of the challenge is "First Experiences". Entries may be Canon, AU, AH and of any genre (e.g., angst, humor, family, suspense).

Entry's ratings must correspond to the appropriate equivalent for the entry’s website (e.g. MA, PG-13, R).

Shipping: All ships are acceptable so long as they are tastefully done and well written. Pedophilic pairings and incest pairings are NOT acceptable. Any story found to violate this criteria will be ruled ineligible.

Collaborations are acceptable so long as it is a first time effort for both writers.

Limit of two entries per author or collaboration group.

Entries will be accepted from FanFiction.net (FFn), LiveJournal (LJ), Twilighted (T’ed), and Simply Twilight. Please note that we will not be able to add entries submitted via sites other than FFn to the C2.

Entries must be between 2,500 and 15,000 words. The official word count will be assessed during the validation process via copy/paste of the entry (excluding header and AN) into Word 2007. Additionally, searches will be done across the four sites mentioned above to certify that no work by the author pre-exists. If at any time an author is identified to have pre-existing work, the one shot will be disqualified.

Twilight 25 Exception: If you are currently writing for the Twilight 25, and it is your first time writing, you will be able to participate in the First Time Writers Contest.

One-shots may not be expanded until the contest is over.

Submitting an Entry

Submitting an Entry Submissions will be accepted via our website http://theindietwificawards.com

All entries must use a “The Indies First Time Writer Challenge” Contest header, which is below.

“The Indies First Time Writer Challenge” One-Shot Contest

Title:

Pen name:

Primary Players:

Rating:

Word Count:

Disclaimer:

To see other entries in the “The Indies First Time Writer Challenge” contest, please visit the C2:http://www.fanfiction.net/community/The_Indies_First_Time_Writer_Challenge/74097/
Special thanks to the For The Love Of Jasper contest for sharing their contest framework with us.

Entries will be validated for quality grammar/punctuation and rules compliance when the entry is submitted. After an entry has been validated, if submitted via FFn, it will be added to the "The Indies First Time Writer Challenge" C2. Authors will be PMed or emailed when their entries have been validated. If an entry is disqualified, the author will be PMed and may modify and resubmit the entry by the submission deadline, if she so chooses.

We encourage any author with need for a beta to check out Project Team Beta.

Categorization of Entries

All Entries will be broken into two master groupings: Rated M and Rated T or Below.

If at the time of voting, we have more than 30 entries under the master category, secondary categories will be created to group the entries. For example, if 40 entries are received, 15 being AU, 20 being AH, and 5 canon, they will distribute that way. If we see more than 75 entries, additional groupings may be announced, based on types of entries received.

Voting

After the submission deadline has passed, there will be an open/public voting round featuring all validated entries.

Open Voting will run from November 1 12:00 AM EDT to November 15 11:59 PM EDT.

In addition to Open Voting, there will be a Judges’ Selection round. The judges will assess all submitted entries, and will do so anonymously – all header information (author, title, etc) will be removed from an entry before the judges read it.

All winners will be announced 9pm EST on November 10.

Hello fellow Twitards and smutaholics!  It’s that time of the week again ;)

 

How did you like last week’s fic? 

 

Here is this week’s rec: Unexpected by Ooohlalaa

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4958898/1/Unexpected

 

Here is her description: 

In their junior year of college, an unexpected event forces Bella, Rosalie, and Alice to become involved with three people they never normally would have, completely changing their lives around. Fluff/Humor B&E/Canon Couples AH, OOC

 

My description: 

This Edward is grrrrreat!  He is quirky.  He is ADHD and possibly OCD.  He makes me laugh hard.  And…..he has a pierced peen. Hahahaha!

So, the girls find out some unexpected news and they have to go to “Emmett’s” house which results in them all meeting Em, Ed, and Jas.  All I can say is it is hilarious after this.  I mean freaking funny!! LOL

 

♦♦♦♦♦Ok, before we go on I need to let off some steam.  Ooohlalaa if you are reading this, I apologize for this, but I have to get it off my chest.  You know I still love you otherwise I wouldn’t have rec’d this fic your second fic I have rec’d, btw

So, our dear Oooh finished a fic this week called Discommode.  It was heartfail in the worst kind of way.  I am talking freaking tragedy heartfail—and yes, if I had paid attention, it is listed as a tragedy, but I don’t usually look at those little tags.  So, yeah, don’t read that fic guys unless you want to have a really bad day.  Anyway, back to the rec, and ILY Oooh, and I will end up forgiving you eventually.  ;)                                                                  ♦♦♦♦♦

 

This week’s teaser:  *sorry it is so long, but I couldn’t stop it in the middle…it’s too freaking funny

OK, to set it up:  Rosalie is pregnant with Emmett’s baby after a 1-night hook-up.  They all decide to go to parenting classes together.  Edward is enjoying this way too much, lol.  (Jake is a tiny Chihuahua that was given to Emmett to help him learn to take care of something, but Edward has totally adopted the thing and dresses it up and stuff)

“Okay. First we’re going to start by going around the room and introducing ourselves. Tell us what you do, how far along you are, what your situation is, why you’re taking this class, for example. Umm, why don’t you start?”

The instructor pointed across the room at some young couple that was clearly stable, unlike the four of us. I could see Rosalie’s embarrassment building up as each couple went and explained their dreadfully normal situations. All new parents, all married or engaged, all excited and happy. Rosalie was none of those except a new parent.

“When do we get the babies?” Edward whispered in my ear. We’d been there for like 10 minutes and his ADD was already coming out in full effect. I had no doubts anymore that he had it.

I waited impatiently for it to be Rosalie & Emmett’s turned because I knew it would be epic. I stared, amused, as the couple before them finished and Rosalie sighed.

“Umm, hi, I’m Rosalie Hale. I’m 21 and in college. Um… I’m 11 weeks along. This is the father, Emmett. Also 21 and in college. We’re not together. At all. The baby is a result of a one night stand. Emmett and his brother Edward over here are adopted, so we decided to either keep it or give it up for adoption. Still not sure. And I’m taking the class because I know nothing whatsoever about babies and I’m afraid that if I keep it, I may hurt it.”

I held my hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh. Everyone in the class looked at me and Edward kind of shoved me and gave me a look.

“Nice to meet you, Rosalie. Interesting situation. I think you‘ll feel much more comfortable when we‘re done… and last but not least?”

The lady pointed at me and Edward. Instead of letting me talk, Edward took the mic.

“I’m Edward. I’m the uncle… Emmett’s my brother. This is Bella… we’re also both 21 & in college and we’re not having a baby. Not yet at least.” I snorted. “She’s Rose’s best friend and they live together and she’s lacking in empathy and baby knowledge. That’s why we’re here.”

The instructor stared at Edward expressionlessly and nodded.

“Um… great. Glad you two are here.”

The first hour of the class was a lecture on labor & delivery. She said we’d go more into detail through the weeks, but for now she was just doing a quick overview. We watched a short birthing video, which was a great experience. I had to keep my eyes shut most of the time, Edward laughed and asked if they served popcorn and made more than one comment about the woman on the video needing to get waxed, and Emmett repeatedly gagged. I also saw Rosalie write down “ask about c-section” in her notes. We got stared at. A lot.

After the video, the woman started distributing the fake babies. Ours was a boy and Rosalie requested a girl. Edward paid zero attention as the woman explained what to do, too occupied with putting his glasses on the baby and trying to make it hold his pen in its hand. I saw massive failure and social services in the near future if Rosalie was to leave her real baby alone with him.

“Whoa, look, it blinks. That’s trippy.” Edward was holding the baby straight out in front of him as we walked to the car.

“I have a night class to go to,” Rosalie said, ignoring Edward and handing Emmett the baby. “Can you take it for now? I’ll pick it up as soon as I’m done.”

“Uh… sure?” Emmett said, grabbing the baby like it was a football, the head upside down. The thing immediately started crying.

“Emmett! You can’t hold it like that.” Rosalie started flipping through the instruction manual to see what to do.

“Just hold it upright and bounce it around a little bit. Haven’t you ever seen someone with a baby before?” Edward looked at the three of us like we were the freaks covered in tattoos and crotch piercings.

Emmett did what he said and eventually the crying died down.

“Bella, maybe you should stay with them,” Rosalie suggested as she got into her BMW. Spend more time with Edward? My arm needed no twisting.

“Okay.” He handed me the baby and I hopped into the back of his Volvo with it on my lap. We didn’t go over ‘carseat safety’ until next week, so for now we had to just hold the babies in the car. Whatever. I laughed as Emmett struggled to put his seatbelt on and hold the baby so it wouldn’t cry. He was screwed. So screwed.

“We should name the baby,” Edward said to me as he drove.

“Sure. What do you want to name it?”

“I can pick?” He asked.

“Yeah, I don’t really care.”

“Okay. Edward Jr.”

Emmett laughed.

“Very creative,” I said, shaking my head. “I expected more from you. Like… Spike or something.”

“You said I could pick.”

“I know.”

“So I pick Edward Jr.”

I gave up trying to reason.

When we got to their house, Emmett passed the baby off to Jasper and laid down on the couch. Edward ran around the house looking for the dog, finally finding him asleep under a pile of clothes in the bathroom. The poor little rodent just sat there half asleep as Edward tugged and yanked at it’s legs trying to put the stupid zebra hoody on it.

“Let’s take Jake for a walk so he doesn’t shit in Jasper’s shoes again.”

I laughed and agreed, taking the leash from him. I shivered as we walked out the door, and I frowned at Edward.

“Maybe you should put on a jacket. It’s windy out.”

“I’m good. I have my hat.”

He pointed at a black beanie on his head, which was going to do absolutely nothing. I was slowly learning it was better to shut up then to try and argue with him, because he was lacking lots of common sense. But he did look hot. That was a plus.

Edward led me to the back of the condo, where there was a walkway along the river. The stupid dog kept stopping every two seconds to sniff at rocks or leaves or other dog poop or something, and I started to get annoyed so I just dragged it behind us.

“You have to be more patient. It’s just an animal, it’s curious. It’s in his nature to be outdoors.” I glared at Edward and handed him the leash, swiping the baby out of his arms.

“Yeah, maybe in Mexico. It’s freezing out here. He just wants to poop and go back inside.”

“He’s not cold. He’s wearing a sweatshirt.”

I rolled my eyes and tried to avoid the passing glances from people staring at me and my blinking robot baby. I could only imagine what people thought. Me walking around with a plastic baby and some dude wearing a t-shirt in November, covered in tattoos and walking a teacup Chihuahua that's wearing a hoody. My life was beyond bizarre.

“Edward, people are looking at this thing. I don’t want to be in public with it.”

“First off, that thing’s name is Edward Jr. And why do you care what other people think? I’m a grown man walking a two pound Chihuahua and you don’t see me getting all embarrassed.”

I was about to come back with a witty insult when all of a sudden the baby started vibrating.

“Holy shit. Edward, what do I do! It’s shaking!”

“Huh. That’s weird. They get cold?”

“I guess so! It’s freaking me out. Take it-” I shoved the baby into his arms and patted it’s back because I remembered the lady saying something about that calming it down. Edward’s eyes were bugging out of his head as he tried to control Jake, who was growling at a German Shepard, and tried not to drop the pulsating baby.

“This makes sense I guess,” he said shoving the dog leash into my chest. “Control the fucking dog!”

“Wow what happened to take things in stride-”

“Our baby is having a seizure! I guess we shouldn’t have brought it out in a t-shirt?”

At this point, I just started hysterically laughing. Edward had opened up the back panel on the baby and was pushing buttons, but the thing was still quivering.

“Edward,” I choked out between my laughs. “We just need to warm it up. Let’s just go back.”

“What if it dies before then?”

“Um… we buy it an Edward Jr. headstone?” He shot me an evil look and shook his head. “Okay, that was cruel. But um, it’s a robot baby. It won’t die.”

“Alright, I have an idea.” He stuck the baby underneath his shirt and popped it’s head out of the collar. I stopped walking and stared at him in disbelief. “So it can breathe, you know?”

“It’s a fucking ROBOT.”

“No it’s not, it’s Edward Jr. and he breathes.”

Holy insanity. I was done. We walked back to the condo to discover that Jasper had left the baby on the sofa, while it wailed away. His car wasn’t outside. Emmett had tactically thrown a blanket over it and he was asleep on the opposite sofa.

I didn’t even bother taking the annoying little squirrel’s leash off, I just dropped it and let him run around the house.

“Move over, Emmett.”

Edward Jr’s seizure ended, but he started crying at the sound of the other one crying, and Edward just sat there on the couch in a panic trying to shut them both up. I stuck a throw pillow over my head and closed my eyes, because I needed a long nap after that whole ordeal.

I woke up to someone shaking me.

“Bella, get up. Where are the babies?”

I groaned and sat up before shrugging at Rosalie. Emmett was still asleep next to me and Edward wasn’t in the room.

“They’re probably with Edward. He thinks this whole thing is fun.”

I led her to the back porch, where Edward had classical music blaring from his room upstairs and was painting. The two babies were wrapped up in blankets, Edward Jr. wearing big Edward’s beanie, sitting in a patio chair.

“You’re the most peculiar person I’ve ever met,” Rosalie said, shaking her head and laughing as she picked up her baby. She took off the blanket to inspect it and make sure Edward didn’t light it on fire or something, and I heard her gasp.

“What?”

“Edward. Did you PIERCE my baby’s ears?!”

Edward dropped his paintbrush and chuckled.

“Yeah. They’re Emmett’s earrings. She’s so much cooler now.”

I was dying. This motherfucker was seriously out of his mind. Rosalie pushed me and shoved the baby into my arms.

“They’re gonna make us pay for messing it up!”

“It’s not that serious. Just look at her. She looks cute.” Edward smirked as I turned the baby towards me.

“She does look cute,” I said.

“Really, I only did it because I couldn’t tell the two of them apart. After I did the piercings I figured out another solution.”

“What? Did you ever think to change their clothes?!” Rosalie shouted.

Edward tapped his finger to his chin and hmmmed.

“Yeah I could’ve. Well, anyway, what I thought of was better. You’ll see, Bella. I’m still gonna do it. Can I keep him overnight?”

I waved my arm at him and started toward the stairs.

“Sure, Edward. I don’t even want to know. Keep it as long as you want.” It’d been four hours and I was already babied out.

“Aren’t you going to say goodnight to Edward Jr.?”

I ignored him.

“Edward Jr?” Rosalie asked, shaking her head. I just shrugged.

I waved goodbye and Rosalie made sure to sneer and growl at Edward one last time to show her displeasure at him tainting her baby as we descended down the stairs.

 

As always, let me know if you have read it and agree or disagree.  Let me know if you haven’t read it and plan to thanks to my rec or if you read if AFTER I rec’d it and you liked it!

 

Hint for next week:

Embrace Singer…..also: magic (lol, this is totally just for those of you who know what I am talking about)

 

Cough Excuse me, can I plz have a moment to self-pimp? Cough

I normally wouldn’t, but I am so excited to be writing and I have the most amazing betas EVER!  It is a quick read, I only have 8 chapters posted so far.

Here is a summary:

 

Flaming Desire

Rose, Alice, and Bella work in the hospital ER. Edward, Jasper, and
Emmett are firefighters who are brought to the ER one night when the girls are
working. Sparks ignite. But will the flame remain when their love is tested?
AH OOC Canon pairings

 

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5342194/1/Flaming_Desire

Thank you to those who check it out ;)

 

Have a fantabulously smutty week!

 

-RSA